D-Day, Trauma, and the Brain-Body Connection

Depending on your age, the term "D-day" may carry different images or significance to you.  The most famous "D-day" was on June 6, 1944.  It was a successful attack on the part of the Allied military, but at a great, great cost.  Thousands upon thousands of lives were lost.  Many of my generation are aware of that awful day, and know it had to do with WW2 - but most of us haven't been directly impacted by it.  

In the military, D-day is a term that represents the day on which a combat attack or operation is to be initiated.  

In the world of the sexual addict's partner, D-day is a term that we have kind of co-opted, and often use to represent the day we discovered our loved one was a sex-addict (D-day = Discovery-day).  It's the beginning of a war, of sorts, for us.  Whether that be a war for recovery, healing, the relationship - or all of the above.

Some of our D-days were early on in the relationship, discovering what we thought was a "small" issue - something that could and would be dealt with - only to have D-day happen again, and again, and again - each time "bigger" or "worse" than the previous D-day.  Others of us have a dramatic D-day, where the enormity of the issue hits us all at once - sometimes accompanied by severe consequences due to our SA's acting out behavior.  Either way, there is much trauma associated with our D-days.

My D-day was three years ago...yesterday.  Mine was of the dramatic variety.  I had no previous knowledge of any addiction, and there were severe consequences.  

When the one year "anniversary" of my D-day was approaching, I was quite aware - probably the whole month of January.  There was a lot of anxiety and pain at the anticipation of the memories of that day.

At the two-year mark, I was still aware as the day was approaching, and still had feelings of apprehension - but this time there was more of a sadness - feelings of loss rather than anxiety and pain.

I don't think about it all to often anymore, so Monday night I was unprepared for the realization that the next day marked the three year anniversary of my D-day. But then, Monday night at our PULSE group, we started talking about the brain-body connection as it relates to trauma.  Kali mentioned a book she had read called, "The Body Remembers".  In summary, it's about how our body remembers traumatic events, and can and does react when we are presented with similar situations other times in life.  It also theorizes that our BODY remembers the "anniversary" of traumatic events, and can cause physical reactions surrounding the anniversary - even if we are not conscious of the anniversary.

As Kali was talking about this, the words she was saying hit me - I'm quite sure I had somewhat of a dumbfounded look on my face!  I realized, in that moment, that the next day (yesterday) was D-day, and maybe that explained why I had been so tense and irritable the last week, and why I was feeling so down.  I had been asking myself (for days leading up to the other night): "Why am I so irritable?"; Monday was my daughter's 13th birthday - and while I had a great time with her and her friends celebrating, there was this underlying sadness that I couldn't put my finger on.  Monday night, I found my answer.

My body, because of the brain-body connection (whole books are written on this topic), went through some serious issues surrounding my D-day: loss of appetite, restless sleep, the inability to stay warm (I kept getting the shakes) - just to name a few.  My body somehow remembers this event, and in the lead-up to the anniversary of my D-day, was pretty much preparing itself to deal with the trauma again.  It's all very scientific and technical, with terms and words I don't know how to pronounce (except Limbic sysmtem, I know that one!).  

The reason I'm sharing this with you is because knowledge = power.  Self-awareness = power.  As I move along this journey and learn things - ESPECIALLY things that can bring peace, healing, and empowerment - I want to share these things with others so that they can find that same peace, healing, and empowerment.

So how do we use this whole trauma and brain-body connection thing?  Well, first of all, to find validation.  No, you are not going crazy.  No, you are not just some hormonal bitch.  And no, you are not over-reacting.  The trauma you went through is very real, and your body remembers.  Second, we use this knowledge by being self-aware and mindful of what our bodies may be telling us.  IF we're going through a time when we're feeling more down than usual, or more irritable than usual, or other unexplained physical symptoms - then we need to pay attention to what else might be going on.  It could be the anniversary of a D-day, or other significant event; it could be that there are things - physical, emotional, or sexual - that are triggering us on a subconscious level; or it could be that our body is reacting to something that just isn't quite right, and it's trying to tell us that something's not right. 

When our body is talking to us in this way, we need to slow ourselves down and do an inventory - go through these different things and see which thing our body might be responding to.  From there - it's all about finding a safe place to process and be loved and supported.  Processing trauma is pretty much the only way to work it through your system - body and mind.  I do want to mention here that if you are struggling with severe physical issues related to your trauma, seek medical attention immediately - do not put this off.  And, if you are staying stuck in places of trauma and pain no matter what you seem to do, please consider seeking therapy.  EMDR is especially useful in relieving trauma.

We don't have to stay stuck in places of pain and trauma.  This is the most important thing I hope comes across in what I'm sharing today.  With knowledge, self-awareness, mindfulness, and processing, we can recognize the cues and listen to our bodies when something's amiss.  We can find relief, healing, and peace from our trauma.  

What about you?  Can you see ways your body has given you cues that something's not right?  Were you able to make the trauma & brain-body connection?  How do you find relief when that happens?  As always, if you can't find someone local to help you process and sort through the mess of loving a SA, please don't hesitate to contact me @ sarah@therapyworksaustin.org.  Also check out our website for more helping resources: www.PULSEAustin.org.