When Life Gives You Lemons....The Skill of Reframing

Okay, so today I was struggling about what I wanted to blog about.  So often, I draw from what is going on in my daily life for inspiration for this blog.  Nothing was jumping out at me saying, "Write about me, write about me."  And since so much of this journey is cyclical, many of the things I am thinking about/going through I've blogged about recently. So, I searched and searched for inspiration.  (This is where I drop a not-so-subtle hint about you giving me ideas about what I should blog about - What are you going through? What do you want more information about?  What topic are you interested in?)

And then I opened one of the books we use for our women's groups, and a word JUMPED out at me.  No, this is not one of those "one word" deals; this is not my "word for the year". But it is a word that represents a POWERFUL tool for processing and healing.  That word is reframing.  You know that old saying, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade"?  Well, that, in essence, is reframing.  

Of course, I'm a nerdy "foodie" girl, so my brain starts going and I'm thinking, "Oh, lemons!!! I could make (disclaimer - someone who's a chef could make) SO much with lemons!!!  

Like these beautiful lemon meringue beauties on the left.  Or this AMAZING lemon vanilla bean creme caramel on the right!  Excuse me for a minute while I wipe up the drool from in front of my computer!  

So, since I can pretty easily think of a lot of ways to use lemons in a positive way, I felt like this wasn't the best example of reframing.  I mean, after all, what I'm talking about using reframing for is in dealing with issues revolving around sex addiction, recovery, and healing.  And it often takes hard work to find ways to reframe what we are going through.  But before I get into that - just what is reframing?

Reframing is defined as a way of viewing and experiencing events, ideas, concepts and emotions to find more positive alternatives.

So, I decided that a better example is rotten lemons. Yes - gross, moldy lemons.  Now THIS is more like it! What the heck can one do with rotten lemons? Similarly, what can WE do with, oh, say, dealing with a broken heart?  How do we reframe that?

I did a little bit of searching and for the most part - if life gives you rotten lemons, then all you can do is throw them in the compost bin and make fertilizer.  HOWEVER - if you're willing to be patient, read up on the "how to's", and do a little work - you can actually make penicillin.  Fun? No. Glamorous?  Definitely not.  What you were hoping for or wanted when you bought or grew those lemons? Uh, duh! (as my almost 13 year-old would say).  Not even. But penicillin is a medicine - it's something that can actually be helpful to your healing (unless, of course, you're allergic).  This is reframing!  And there's power in reframing!  

Let's say you went to the market and bought a bag of lemons.  Unbeknownst to you, in the middle of the bag were a bunch of rotten lemons.  You couldn't see them.  They were hidden from sight.  So you get home and put your lemons in your pantry, planning on making some amazing lemon delight in a few days for your party over the weekend.  A few days later, you go to your pantry to retrieve the lemons and SURPRISE - your whole bag of lemons has been tainted by the rotten ones that were in the middle.  If the story ended here, you would be the victim of improper packaging and handling by the suppliers of said bag of lemons.  This is where reframing comes into play.

You have the choice and the power to choose to stop there, and remain the victim, or look for ways to reframe the situation, and take yourself out of the victim role. The same reframing principle can be applied to situations we face surrounding life tainted by SA. We can look at our circumstances, and see how we've been victims, and stop there.  Or, we can look for ways to reframe the circumstances, take ourselves OUT of the victim role, and find empowerment (and hopefully some peace and healing, too). 

So that I don't seem trite, or like I'm trying to over-simplify, let's make this very REAL, shall we.  The day I discovered my SA's addiction, my heart was shattered. SHAT-TERED. Like into a million tiny pieces.  So, how do I reframe that experience? Exhibit A - one of three tattoos I got post-discovery.  This is a Maori-symbol inspired design.  (Maori is the indigenous tribe of New Zealand). That is a heart, and that swirly part on the right is the Koru symbol.  It is taken from the unfurled leaf of the silver fern, and it depicts (among other things) new beginning.  So the meaning for this tattoo, for me, is that my heart is being made new.  It was broken, but it is being re-made.  And when anyone asks, the way I reframe my broken heart is that I find the positive in it: since my heart was broken, I've changed.  I'm more patient, more compassionate, more understanding... I actually like who I am MORE now than I did then.  I'm a better friend, mother, daughter, wife, and overall person!  I am not a victim of my broken heart!  I stand in a place of recognizing the good that has come of it.  THAT is reframing.

So, what can you reframe?  Where have you been "stuck" in seeing a situation or circumstance only from the victim view, and how can you reframe that?  How can you take a "rotten lemon" in your life, and make penicillin?  

As always, if you would like help in finding/figuring out how to do this, email me, or contact me through our website: www.PULSEAustin.org