The Big D, Part 2

The big “D”, Part 2..

In my last post, I began what I felt was an important discussion on divorce.  There's not a single PSA that I've ever come across that hasn't asked herself whether divorce is the best path for her or not.  The other week I spent some time addressing those of you who have made the decision to divorce, and are either in the process of, or on the other side of finalizing the divorce.  Today, I will do my best to give some thought to those of us who are undecided and those of us who care about those going through this process.  Again, for the sake of conversation, the end of any committed, exclusive relationship is encompassed in the term, "divorce". 

For me, there have been three distinct times I've strongly considered divorce.  So today, when I speak about what do we do when we're not sure about divorce - well, it's based a bit more on experience rather than observation.

Again, where do I start?

Just the other day I was reminded of the feeling, "I didn't deserve this."  Not so much because of something I was experiencing, but because of something one of my clients was going through.  As she was sharing, I recalled thinking/feeling, "I saved myself for this guy and THIS is  what I got?  Ch.  What was the point of that?!"  (Disclaimer - this is not how I still feel.  I made that decision for me, and I don't regret it.  At the time, that was how I felt).  

Which brings me to what I consider to be the most important aspect of us figuring out if we want to stay in the relationship or not.  And it has NOTHING to do with our SA.  It's the realization EVERY single one of us must come to, and that is that we DESERVE to be loved WELL.  

So just as I did last week, I'd like to say a few things that will hopefully either validate, encourage, or aid you as you struggle through the craziness that can be trying to decide whether to divorce or stay in the relationship.

1. You are an amazing woman, worthy of being loved well; worthy of being honored and respected and held in high esteem.  You are worthy of being loved in a way that will give wings to your dreams.
2. You are strong.  It takes an incredible amount of strength to get up,day after day, and face the collateral damage of Hurricane SA.  Don't be hard on yourself for not being where you think, or others say, you "should" be.  As my mom would say, "Don't should all over yourself."  (Thanks, mom, for that gem!)
3. You are brave.  It's scary living with uncertainty.  And if being in relationship with a SA is one thing - it's uncertain.  Facing the fear of the unknown and wrestling with making a healthy decision is brave.
4. This isn't your fault.  Yes, we all have our weaknesses, and God knows we haven't been the picture of perfection when it comes to our relationships.  DOESN'T MATTER.  You could have been the supermodel perfect girlfriend, wife, mother, etc. and your SA still would have been an SA.  Like I said last week, you didn't cause the addiction, you can't control the addiction, and you definitely can't cure it. 
5. YOU can heal even if the relationship doesn't.  You can find yourself again.  You can have empowerment, and healthy boundaries, and so much more!  
6. It's not only okay, I maintain it's necessary to demand honesty.  Living in a world of lies creates crazy-making in our lives, and destroys any chance of safety.  Without safety, there can not be true intimacy - we can never let our guard down if we don't feel safe.  
7. Give yourself permission to take your time.  You don't have to decide what to do right away.  At the same time, in your other hand hold onto the idea that you don't want to stay where you are forever - a decision one way or the other will need to happen at some point.  Otherwise, you're stuck in purgatory.  And that is NOT being loved well!

Now that I've shared those messages, I'd like to propose some tools that may help as you try to sort through the confusion of "should I stay or should I go?".  There are so many different thoughts/beliefs/emotions/small decisions that have to be sorted through to reach this HUGE decision:

1. Let's begin with a definition.  I said you are worthy of being loved well.  How would you define that?  What would that look like/sound like?  How would you love someone well?  What kind of things would you do for them?  This is very important.  Living without defining this is like shooting and arrow with no target.  You don't know what you're missing if you have no target to aim for. 
2. Are there any family of origin or religious beliefs that are adding to the confusion?  If so, is there a safe person you can talk to about these conflicting thoughts/beliefs?
3. I mentioned that living with a SA means living with a certain amount of uncertainty (Isn't this all of life, actually?).  The question that needs to be asked is, HOW MUCH uncertainty are you willing/able to live with?  What are the risks of staying in the relationship?  What risks are you willing to take?  What risks are you NOT willing to take?  It's important that we face these uncertainties and empower ourselves to take a stand on our limits. 
4. If you have kids, what is the impact on them if you leave?  If you stay?  (Sometimes, staying is more harmful than leaving).
5. How much more do you have left?  Or phrased another way, how much more can you endure before you've lost so much of yourself, you don't know if you'll be able to find your way back?  We must be honest with ourselves about what we can endure and what we can't.  We must know our limits.
6. What is/has been the overall trajectory of your SA's recovery?  Is he moving forward, stagnant, moving backward, never began?  We can't expect perfection in recovery/healing, but we can watch the overall trajectory and see if there is some evidence for hope that a solid recovery and healing is possible and sustainable.  
7. Lastly, what things do you need to do so that you can be independent if it DOES come to divorce?  If you feel trapped, start looking for ways to empower yourself in this area.

In addition to the above questions, here are some other ideas of things that may be helpful:

1. Support groups.  In these groups you can find not only emotional and practical support - you can find other women in the same place you are; women who can be a tether to sanity - sorting out what's real and healthy from the crazy-making we can sometimes endure.  In these groups (the good ones, at least), we find our voice again - it's a place to test it out and get it heard.  You may want to consider groups like S-Anon or PULSE.  I'm hesitant to recommend any other groups because some groups are NOT a safe place.
2. Use this decision making time as a time to re-discover yourself.  It may seem counter-intuitive, but indulging in your passions and joy-filling activities are empowering.  The more you get back in touch with yourself, the more you become aware of what you want, the more empowered you become.
3. If you're feeling like you've been stuck in the same place longer than you'd like, and can't seem to make any progress or changes in your healing and decision making, then maybe consider reaching out to a helping professional.  Again, therapists and life coaches are around FOR THIS REASON.  I, for one, am very, VERY passionate about this!  I recommend going to APSATS to find a helping professional that you can know is safe.  These helping professionals have been trained in the trauma model approach. 
4. If you're feeling there's enough safety and sustained recovery/sobriety, consider seeking out a marriage therapist to help with the healing of the marriage.  I am a HUGE proponent of EFT therapists.  Or someone trained in the Gottman Therapy.  Both of these methods are focused on healing attachment injuries.  They're amazing.

Remember, as I said last week, no matter what happens, "This is not the end of the story."  “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” - Winston Churchill. Have hope.  Cling to the promise that there can be beauty and joy and life and love again, no matter what you decide.

And finally, to those of us who care about someone either trying to decide what to do or have decided to end the relationship - here's some tips on how to be a good friend/family member:

1. BE.  Sometimes, the best thing we can do for someone is just be there with them. No judgement.  No questions.  No advice.  No trying to inform their decision.  Just be with them.  Let them know that WHATEVER they are feeling - it's okay.  Love them, accept them, hold them (if they ask for it).  
2. Ask, "What can I do?".
3. BE PATIENT.  This may be the biggest decision they'll ever make/have made.  
4. Put on your marathon shoes.  IF YOU REALLY WANT TO BE A GOOD FRIEND/RELATIVE, then don't just be there at the beginning, when the initial crisis hits.  Be prepared to walk this journey out with them.  
5. Be an example.  Live out love and health in front of them.  They need to see what that looks/sounds/feels like.  They need to have hope that it still exists in this world!
6. If the situation calls for it, be ready/willing to show tough love.  Support they need, enabling they don't.  IF the relationship is harmful to them (I'm not talking about the pain of the journey, I'm talking about some form of abuse), and they are not taking steps to leave for their own safety or the safety of their children - IN LOVE, tell them of your concern.  BUT, I humbly suggest that you don't make this stand without being willing to be a part of the solution - whatever part that may be.
7. Ask yourself, "What would I want from my friend if this horror happened in my life?" Then go and do it.
8. This isn't a what to do - this is a statement.  THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!  I would not be where I am, or who I am, without people like you who were willing to be and do these things for me.  You are our life preservers in the raging waters surrounding the sinking ship we found ourselves on.

Sisters, did I miss anything you would like to share?  For those of you who are going through this, what messages would you say to each other?  What resources would you want to give to someone out there who is in the middle of it?  What has helped you/is helping you?

As I wrap up my two week delve into the topic of divorce, I end with the hope that everyone who reads my thoughts, whether divorce is an issue or not, can find something they can glean and use in their lives.  

My parting thoughts after this heavy topic: You are amazing women.  You are worthy of being loved well.