What IS "Gaslighting"?

Hello my readers!  I can't even believe how long it's been since I put up a new post!!! It feels so good to be back at my computer writing!  Today I'd like to broach the subject of gaslighting.  

I'm going to give a disclaimer/warning - IF you've not previously been informed on what gaslighting is, I SINCERELY ADVISE that you don't just casually read this post - it could be very triggering.  I suggest that you set up a time to read this when you know you'll have  your support group/therapist/life coach readily (soon) available - or, at the VERY least, a friend or family member that can be a support/comfort/help you process.

If you've been around the SA world long enough, you've probably stumbled across the word  "gaslighting".  Or maybe you've heard someone mention it - "My husband was gaslighting me!"

But what, exactly, IS gaslighting???

Let me be clear: whole books, workshops, intensives, and multitudes of articles can be found on this topic.  I am, in no way, attempting to offer a comprehensive blog post on the topic.  My goal, in my post today, is to introduce you to the topic; or, if you've already been introduced, to refresh your memory or place some tools in your hand to help you recognize, reduce, and remove gaslighting from your relationships.  

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0036855/

First, a bit of background information:  The term "gaslighting" is derived from the story of Paula - a woman who is pursued and married by a man that is truly only after a treasure in the house she inherited.  He begins to drive her crazy through manipulating her surroundings and her emotions.  One specific example is how the husband would leave the house under the pretense of going to work and  then would sneak into the attic through an adjoining house. The (gas powered) lights would go down when he snuck into the attic and lit a light in there, causing the lights in the rest of the house to go down.  Paula was the only one who notices, and when she brings it up to Gregory (the husband), he tells her she is just seeing/imagining things.  This was first a play, and then adapted into two films, the most famous being the one released in 1944, starring Ingrid Bergman.

So, that's the history of the term, but what IS it?
There are variations of definitions.  I read a number of them.  My favorite actually came from urbandictionary.com.  Let's read what they say gaslighting is:

"A form of intimidation or psychological abuse, sometimes called Ambient Abuse, where false information is presented to the victim, making them doubt their own memory, perception and quite often, their sanity. The classic example ofgaslighting is to switch something around on someone that you know they're sure to notice, but then deny knowing anything about it, and to explain that they "must be imagining things" when they challenge these changes.

A more psychological definition of gaslighting is an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from, and/or providing false information to, the victim - having the gradual effect of making them anxious, confused, and less able to trust theirown memory and perception." - http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Gaslighting

Sound familiar?

Unfortunately, all too many of us are intimately acquainted with this experience - we just didn't know what it was.  In fact, many of us really did think we were going crazy - because, after all, how could this person we love and trust be leading us astray?  It surely must be us.  How many times did I think to myself, "I wish I had a tape recorder so I could record this conversation", because I knew when the time came, I wouldn't be able to remember or would be challenged in such a way that I wouldn't trust my recollection of a "discussion".   

Here are a few SA specific examples of gaslighing: "You're just insecure.  I would never....."  "You must be thinking about having an affair yourself!"  "I wasn't looking at that woman - you're imagining things."

Why would someone do this?  According to Dr. Robin Stern, when a gaslighter is confronted with an issue that threatens his agenda, they will react by trying to control the feelings, thoughts, or actions of the Gaslightee.

Here's where I need to make a VERY important clarification - some gaslighters manipulate knowingly, intentionally; I would venture that more gaslighters are so caught up in their addiction and lifestyle of lying that they are not explicitly attempting to abuse or be coercive - they aren't even consciously aware that they are doing it.  This DOES NOT, however, make it okay.  It still is what it is - abuse.

So, what can you do about it?

1. Educate yourself. (Education is power!)
2. Recognize when it's happening.
3. Recognize how you've been a part of "the dance"
4. Opt out of "the dance"


To get you started:
1. Educate yourself - 

• There's a FABULOUS book out there - an easy read, full of LOTS of practical, helpful tools that you can begin using IMMEDIATELY.  It's called "the gaslight effect", by Dr. Robin Stern.
• Here's an exerpt from one of Dr. Stern's articles on gaslighting. (If you'd like, you can Read the full article here. ) It's basically a sefl-evaluation tool...."How do you know if you are being gaslighted? If any of the following warning signs ring true, you may be dancing the Gaslight Tango. Take care of yourself by taking another look at your relationship, talking to a trusted friend; and, begin to think about changing the dynamic of your relationship . Here are the signs: 
• 1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself
• 2. You ask yourself, "Am I too sensitive?" a dozen times a day.
• 3. You often feel confused and even crazy at work.
• 4. You're always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend,, boss.
• 5. You can't understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren't happier.
• 6. You frequently make excuses for your partner's behavior to friends and family.
• 7. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses.
• 8. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
• 9. You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists. 
• 10. You have trouble making simple decisions.
• 11. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person - more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
• 12. You feel hopeless and joyless.
• 13. You feel as though you can't do anything right.
• 14. You wonder if you are a "good enough" girlfriend/ wife/employee/ friend; daughter.
• 15. You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don't have to explain or make excuses."

It's my strong conviction that numbers 2 - 4 should only be attempted with the education well started.  Whether that be by reading the book, going through it in a group, or with a therapist/life coach.  This is tricky business - understanding, recognizing, and dealing with gaslighting.  The BEST bit of advise I can give you - without the education - is this: PAY RIGOROUS ATTENTION TO YOUR FEELINGS.  When we've been traumatized through gaslighting, we loose the empowerment of knowing our feelings are enough. We have to explain, justify, rationalize, or prove that what we like/don't like, want/don't want, etc is acceptable.  Your feelings are enough.  Let me say that again: YOUR FEELINGS ARE ENOUGH!!!!  Ask yourself: "Is this what I want?"  "Do I like being treated this way?"  "Is my gut telling me something's not right here?"

Finding freedom from gaslighting is possible - both for the gaslighter and the gaslightee. Step one is seeing that it's a part of your life and wanting to be free.

Oh, my dear sisters, I am concerned about you - are you seeing gaslighting in your relationship(s)? How is this making you feel?  Do you have someone you can talk to about it?  My sincere hope is that this post on gaslighting, though difficult to read, will lead you to a place of wanting to fight - to be free of any gaslighting there may be in your relationship(s).

For my local readers - writing this post has made me want to do a gaslighting intensive again - the last one I did was over a year ago.  It's a LONG, emotional day, but there is SO MUCH good information and tools in it.  Anyone interested?

For my non-local readers - if this has struck a chord with you - get the book.  Find a local therapist that knows what gaslighting  is and will help you find freedom.  If you can't find someone local, contact me - we can do phone sessions and work this stuff through!

And finally - feedback.  Those of you who have been on this path of dealing with gaslighting - what words would you share?  Examples from your own life?  Words of encouragement?  Tools that helped you?  Questions you still have?

After a "difficult" read like this - make sure you take some time for some self-care.  Take some deep, cleansing breaths; meditate; pray; listen to some music; call a trusted friend.  

Until next time, 

Take care, my sisters.