The Big "D"

The big “D”...

A few weeks ago, I was on my way to starting this post (and then I got sidetracked by that "Sorry not Sorry video). Heavy on my heart were a few PSAs I know who are at various stages of the divorce process.  I realized that I have never directly addressed PSAs and dealing with this heartbreak.  Today, I remedy that.  To those who have had to make the tough choice of ending your marriage (or engagement, or relationship); to those who are in the middle of dealing with the process of divorce; to those who are trying to decide if this is the choice we have to make, and to those who care about them, I offer up the next two posts.  I want to treat this topic with the compassion and thought it deserves, so I'm going to address it in stages, over a couple of posts.

Now I, personally, have not had to make this decision.  I've contemplated it.  I've strongly considered it – weighing the pros/cons and benefits/risks, etc.  AND, it’s not a done deal.  My SA knows that if he ever chooses his addiction again over his recovery, healing, freedom and his family, it’s over.  I, personally, will NOT be in relationship with an addict that is not intentionally working his recovery.  I just can't.  So, “the big D” has not been completely ruled out forever for me.

So when I speak about divorce (for purpose of ease, the ending of any type of committed relationship will be referred to as divorce), I’m sharing from the observations I've made over the years of working with and knowing PSAs who have had to go through the process and make this difficult choice.

Where do I start?

It’s unfair that we even have to face this issue.  All we wanted was someone who would love us and be committed to us; someone who would cherish us and respect us and the commitment we made to each other; a relationship where we could feel safe.   Then the destructive power of sex addiction wreaked havoc in our lives and relationships.  We were faced with the knowledge of our partner's sex addiction - of our partner not being who we thought they were and the relationship not being what we thought it was, either.

I dedicate today's post to those who have already made the decision and are either in the middle of the messiness of divorce or on the other side of the difficult, painful process of ending the relationship:

There are so many different thoughts/beliefs/emotions/small decisions that had to be sorted through to reach this HUGE decision: kids (if there were any), and the impact divorce would have on them; family of origin or religious beliefs about divorce; financial security; loss of friends and family; loss of dreams; loss of relationship; loss of parts of yourself; not to mention the collateral damage of the acting out behaviors our SA was involved in!  Whether it’s been 5 years or 5 months since the decision to divorce was made, there are some things that I’d love to say; either to validate, encourage, or aid you in your healing journey. *Disclaimer: We all are broken; we all bring our own stuff to a relationship.  Sometimes, we don't do all we need to do in order to heal and salvage a relationship that is salvageable.  That is another topic, so for this post, I am going to talk as if all that could be done was done - capisce?

1. IT'S. NOT. YOUR. FAULT.  Even if (and that's an IF, not a given) you had to work through some enabling behaviors - YOU did NOT cause the addiction.   YOU were not in ANY WAY responsible for controlling your SA's addiction.  YOU could not cure the addiction.  You could have been the perfect woman and your SA still may not have chosen recovery and healing.  This is NOT about you not being good enough or lovable enough (If he loved me more...)
2. I’m sorry.  I’m sorry your dream of a life with the person you loved was ripped out from under you.  I’m sorry that either the damage that was done was so severe, it could not be healed; or that your SA never did the work that was necessary to recover, be sober and bring safety and trust back into the relationship.  I’m sorry for all the loss you've had to endure.
3. I’m proud of you.  Yes, you heard me right: I’m proud of you.  It takes an enormous amount of strength to fight through all the pain, loss, confusion, other voices – not to mention our own emotions – and do what truly was the best thing for you (and your children).
4. Grieving is not only okay, it's necessary.  The loss of the relationship is a death of sorts, and the grieving process is also part of the healing process.  Accepting that it hurts, despite what our SA has done, to say goodbye and allowing ourselves to grieve is what helps us process THROUGH the pain - it's the way of release.  So give yourself permission to grieve as though it hurts like hell, because that's exactly what the ripping apart of divorce is.
5. As a women in one of my groups has said, "This is not the end of the story."  The end of a chapter in the story, yes, but NOT the end of the story.  I heard a quote recently that ties into this so perfectly.  It's from Winston Churchill – “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”  Have hope.  Cling to the promise that there can be beauty and joy and life and love again. This was not the end of the story; this decision did not induce fatality.
6. Depending on where you're at in your journey, or which chapter you are in your story, you will experience different needs.  Here are some tools that might help meet your needs:
1. Support groups; which do not necessarily need to focus on PSA topics or addictions.  In these groups you can find not only emotional support, but practical support - like what resources are there to help with finding a lawyer, or childcare, or....  You may want to consider groups like DivorceCare. DivorceCare (DC) is a divorce recovery support group where both women and men can find help and healing for the hurt of separation and divorce. Some DC chapters also offer DivorceCare for Kids - a divorce recovery support group to help children, 5-12 years of age.  Google DC in your local city.  Typically there is often a range of support group options in a large(ish) city. 
2. Online communities: During her 19 years of marriage, author Elisabeth Klein experienced the challenges of her husband’s addiction and abuse. See http://www.elisabethklein.com/  for her story.  Elisabeth offers closed (but moderated) Facebook groups for women who are looking for a safe place to share their experiences: click here to read more about her groups.
3. Again, depending on where you are at, you may be ready for your own version of, "Eat, Pray, Love" (Does anybody else wish they could have a girls night to watch this movie right now?).  If you're not familiar with this book/movie, it's about a woman's journey after divorce to find herself again - to get in touch with her passions (eat); find her peace in spirituality (pray); and begin to dream again (love).  Always wanted to take those salsa classes?  Why not now?  Or maybe it's an art class, or kickboxing, or.....   Maybe it's time to focus on inner peace and connect anew with your higher power.  The main character (in the movie) says, "I used to have an appetite for my life and now it's gone." and, "Since I was 15, I've always either been with a guy or breaking up with a guy...I've not given myself two weeks of a breather just to deal with myself."  Sound familiar?  Could it be time to awaken that appetite for life?
4. IF you're feeling like your season of grieving is lessening, yet you're still feeling stuck, it may be time to "invest in your future".  Helping professionals are around for just this reason.  Consider spending some time with either a therapist or a life coach (depending on your needs).  If you're nervous about reaching out for help this way because you've been "burned" by a "helping" professional before, go to www.apsats.org.  There you will find both therapists and life coaches that have been trained to work SPECIFICALLY with a trauma awareness/focused approach.  
5. When you reach the day you find yourself beginning to entertain the possibilities of being in a relationship again, take this time to REALLY do some soul searching.  Have you worked on "your stuff" (We ALL have some stuff - right!)?  Do you know what healthy boundaries are, and will be, in this new relationship?  Do you know what healthy intimacy and sexuality is? Again, if you're in this place, and need help, this is where life coaching can play a huge role.

Sisters, what am I missing?  For those of you who have gone through this, or are going through this, what messages would you say to each other?  What resources would you want to give to someone out there who is in the middle of it?  What has helped you/is helping you?

Next week I'll share my thoughts for those who haven't decided if divorce is the answer or not, and for those of us who have decided to stay, but care about those who needed to move on.  Until then, I hope everyone who reads my thoughts, whether divorce is an issue or not, can find something they can glean and use in their lives.  

My parting thoughts: This is not the end of the story.  There is always hope.  You can have life and joy and love again.