Finding My Voice - My Journey of Understanding and Empowerment

When I was a child, I had some issues with how I dealt with my anger.  Today, with much work, I now understand that due to some crappy stuff that happened to me as a child, whenever I felt fear, a loss of control, or that someone might harm me - physically, verbally, or emotionally - my automatic protective mechanism was anger. 

When I was angry, I felt strong and I felt heard. 

However, when I was a child - 1. I did not know or understand the complexities of what I was feeling; and 2. I did not know how to communicate what was going on inside me in a healthy way.  UNFORTUNATELY - during that era (late 70's early 80's) the message, by and large, that was given to children both from parents and from the church (which I was actively involved in), was that it's not really okay to be angry.  Anger was looked upon as a "bad" emotion.  That whole, "In your anger, do not sin." message I internalized as, "Don't be angry, it is a sin." I heard, "When you're angry, you need to stop and count to 10.  And then you need to be over your anger."  I don't fault those who were giving me this message - they were doing the best they could with what was understood and "preached" at the time.

That being said, here is where I took my first SIGNIFICANT loss in knowing and having my own voice.  I began to doubt the validity of my feelings; I began to not trust my perspective on how I saw my reality.

Little did I know how this set me up for not feeling confident or comfortable with expressing my voice.  Little did I know how perfectly this set me up to be the partner of an SA.  Now, mind you, I don't necessarily buy into that, "I chose my SA."  At the time I "chose" my SA, there was no evidence of any addiction; there was no gaslighting - no manipulation of my feelings, beliefs or reality.  There was secrecy, to be sure, but my SA was just in the beginning stages of his addiction.  There wasn't much of a need for any of that stuff yet.

Regardless, as I progressed from elementary to middle, and into high school, my methodology for dealing with things that were unjust/unfair/an infringement on my beliefs, morals, feelings, rights, or personal space - was all the same.  Anger.  But, by the time high school had rolled around, I had learned to be the "good little Christian girl", and do my best to stuff my anger.  The more and more I stuffed my anger, the more and more I was numbing my emotions - loosing my ability to get in touch with what I was feeling and what was going on inside of me; the more and more I was training myself to "be okay" with not being able to voice my feelings or concerns; the more and more I lost my voice.

Fast forward to over a decade of living with an SA.  Mine is one of the stories where I had never discovered the addiction until it all blew up in my face one day.  All I knew is that something wasn't right.  I wasn't happy in a marriage that by most accounts I should have been.  The damage to me and my voice came in subtle ways - like when I would want to talk to my SA about how I thought he was angry, or was not being loving, or not contributing enough around the house or to the family, and he would be SO CONVINCING of his twist on things, that I would leave the conversation feeling as though I was being mean or unfair or controlling.  Or like when I would try to voice that I didn't agree with him about something - and again, would walk away battling inside my heart and mind with feeling like my feelings and ideas were valid - but so confused, because how could they be when my SA presented such a convincing case of why they weren't!

Slowly but surely, over the course of 14 years, my confidence in my intuition was almost completely gone; the ability for me to trust my perspective on things, or even trust my own emotions, had taken blow after blow.  Slowly but surely, as I had done as a child, I stuffed my feelings - it was just different.  I wasn't stuffing anger; I was stuffing dissatisfaction with my marriage.  I was stuffing loneliness.  I was becoming numb.

There were days I was SO SURE that my reality was correct, but he would say otherwise - I literally thought I was starting to go a little crazy.

All those years; all the effort I had put into the work I needed to do for myself - kept hitting this impasse.  I just didn't understand.

And then came the day of my discovery.  I often say that I was broken that day - my heart broken into a thousand pieces.  But here's the thing - I was NOT broken beyond repair. No, instead, I was broken in such a way that I was able to be put back together differently. That day of breaking was also a day of new beginnings for me.  It was the beginning of me truly, freely, discovering my voice.  It was the beginning of me learning to hear and trust my intuition like never before.

So, what are some of the things that had to happen for me to be on this journey?

1. The places of my heart that I had closed off and numbed out had to be opened and feeling again.  This is not easy or fun (I am a work in progress - I still discover places where I am numb and guarded.).  There's a reason we close places off and numb out - the alternative is feeling pain.  The thing I had to accept and embrace was that in order for me to heal, and find my voice, I had to feel again, I had to NOT be afraid of the pain.  I had to trust that the pain would not kill me; that I would come out the other side of the pain that I was feeling.
2. I had to work on re-training my mind about my emotions.  I would remind myself that being angry was okay.  Being hurt was okay.  Being happy or optimistic was okay.  Whatever I was feeling was okay!  (As a side note, you should have seen how my parenting took a DRASTIC change at this point in my life!  Hahaha.  My kids have heard this message over and over in their lives - so much so that now they'll call me out on it - like when I loose my patience with one of them being sad or mad, and they say to me, "I though it was okay for me to be upset!"  That quickly calls me back to the truth, and I reassure them that it is, indeed, okay.)
3. I had to do the HARD work of getting in touch with my feelings again - and NOT just the anger.  The anger was easy to feel and recognize.  I had to make the connections with WHY I was feeling anger.  What was happening that was either causing me to fear, or not meeting a need/expectation?  What boundaries were being violated that caused me to feel what I was feeling?
4. Once I was making progress on these things, I had to learn how to put these things into words.  For awhile, I was (as they like to say in Texas) a hot mess.  I went to the other extreme and said just about everything that came to mind - without regard of how the way I was saying it came across.  I was learning to be okay with what I was feeling, and understanding why I was feeling it, but I couldn't stop there - I had to learn how to use my voice in a healthy, constructive way.  I had to learn how to communicate my needs, boundaries and desires.  And I needed to learn how to make myself heard when there were violations of any of these things.  (And not back down from what I was saying).
5. I had to push through the DISCOMFORT of voicing my thoughts/feelings/opinions.  I had to push aside the self-doubt and embrace what I knew to be true.  I still do.  I am still finding ways (people, situations, etc.) where I finally am "standing up for myself" and using my voice.  Places where I used to dismiss wrongdoings by others and just let it be.  After all, "It is what it is." right?  
6. Continue to seek connection.  Finding my voice has been a journey.  The more healthy I become, the more I find my voice.  It's in moments when I revert to old ways of dealing with things that my voice is not Sarah empowered - it is Sarah angered.  There's a glaring difference.  I need to keep making connections - understanding what my boundaries are, how I feel when they are violated, and how to respond in healthy ways.  

None of this was or is easy. But the effort is DEFINITELY worth the reward.  The feeling of finding my voice has been one of the most self-confidence building, freeing, empowering things I have ever experienced.

What about you?  Where are you at in your journey of finding your voice?  Do you have a "default" emotion?  If so, is it keeping you stuck?  What parts of my "things I need(ed) to do" resonates with you?  What were the circumstances that led to you loosing your voice?  What has helped you find your voice again?

Sisters, we are empowered as we find our voice.  Part of finding our voice that I haven't yet mentioned is sharing our story.  This is a safe place.  Will you consider sharing some of your story here, with us?