Living in the "in-between"

Okay, I've been out of commission for a few weeks.  Busy schedule, preparing and conducting a workshop, and adjusting to a new office where there's a lot of distraction has really thrown me off!  Today, I'm back, and ready for a bit of an impassioned post! (So don't say I didn't warn you!)

There's a topic that has been brewing inside me for a couple of months now...

The in-between

I have a new phrase that is my favorite.  I like to call it, "the in-between". The in-between is the hellish time the partner of a SA has to go through that begins when the SA has finally come to the place where they accept they have a problem and are truly embracing recovery, and the time their brain has successfully become rewired, and they can say, "I am recovered".

Side note - This is a VERY complicated and complex issue.  This is NOT a post about the SA's recovery; this is a post about what partners have to go through.  It should be said, though, that there are different theories and ideas out there.  A LOT of new data suggests that sexual addiction, as opposed to, say, alcoholism, is basically "curable".  I read an article recently by Linda Hatch, PhD, where she discusses her belief that a SA can come to the place where they can truthfully make the statement, "I am recovered."  This doesn't mean that the SA wouldn't still need to live life with an awareness of their susceptibility to sexual misbehavior - like I said, it's a complex issue.  There are others who would say that a SA will never be fully recovered - just like an alcoholic.  I am writing this post from the view/belief that an SA's brain CAN be rewired, and they CAN be recovered (as opposed to eternally being "in recovery").

So, back to the in-between.

Most "experts" will say that once a SA truly enters recovery (NOT just simply: "I promise I won't ever do it again), it takes an average of 5 years to come out the other side and enter the world of "I'm recovered."

5 YEARS!!!!!

It could take more or less time, depending on the severity of the addiction, the quality of the help (CSAT, etc), and the dedication to recovery.

But 5 years?!?!?!

Yes.  5 years.  5 years is what we have to REALISTICALLY consider when we are contemplating what it means to be in relationship with a recovering SA.  (At least ) 5 years is what we MUST look at when we are formulating our boundaries and their "consequences".  When we look at how our SA is doing in his recovery: how diligently he's pursuing recovery; how often he's "slipping"; the types of "slips"; and if he relapses - 5 years is what we MUST keep in mind when we ask ourselves: CAN I MAKE IT???

5 years is the "slap in your face" reality that hits us when, 3 years into sobriety, our partner's slip.

Recovery is messy.  It's not the same for everyone, but almost always - it's messy.

And this is what we have to deal with during the in-between.

Any other view of this situation is idealistic, unrealistic, and, quite possibly, denial.

Listen, sisters, there are three things we can not do, for our own healing and safety.

1. We CAN NOT live in denial about how long this is going to take, and how messy this could be.
2. We CAN NOT have idealistic and unrealistic expectations of what recovery is going to be like for our SA, nor what our healing journey is going to be like.  BOTH MUST BE INTENTIONAL AND BOTH TAKE HARD WORK!!!
3. WE CAN NOT DO THIS ALONE!!!!

This is why I do what I do.  This is why I write this blog.  This is why I facilitate support and educational groups.  This is why I coach partners of SAs.  We can't do this alone!

5 years.  IF we decide our SA is pursuing recovery the way he should be... IF we are being able to heal, and our relationship is mending - we are STILL looking at dealing with 5 years of the in-between, where slips and messiness is NORMAL.  Milton Magness, one of the leading experts dealing with SA, will cite that only 2% of SA's NEVER SLIP.  

So, let's roll up our sleeves and deal with the crux of the matter for a few moments, shall we?

If you haven't done so already, I encourage you to take some time and make a realistic assessment of YOUR situation (yours is different than mine, which is different from hers....).  Here are some questions to consider:

Assessing what it takes to survive
the in-between

• Has my SA gotten to the point where he has accepted he has a problem?  (Starting point for the in-between).
• Has my SA truly embraced recovery?
• Have I accepted the reality that recovery is messy?
• Am I preparing myself for the possibility/likelihood of slips?

And here are two VERY important questions:

• Do I have the support I need to feel safe, heal, grow, stay strong, and make it through the in-between?
• Based on where I am at in this "in-between", can I endure?  Can I work through the messiness of recovery?  What is my breaking point?  Where is the line that says, "This is too much.  I will loose too much of myself/I can't take much more of this before I crumble internally."?

It is my strong, STRONG belief that if we are NOT asking ourselves these kinds of questions, we are doing ourselves a dis-service.  I've said it before, I'll say it again: knowledge = power.  IF we are to make it through the in-between, then we need to:

• Know and understand what we are facing.
• Be prepared for the messiness.
• Have a strong support base.  For a LONG time.

Again - this is why I do what I do.  IF you are NOT a part of a support group, may I lovingly and imploringly ask you to consider joining one?  We. can. not. do. this. alone.  Can not. Can't.  

Navigating the in-between

Sisters, we can make it.  The in-between is messy, and scary, and potentially dangerous. But we can make it through.  I'd love to hear your questions or your thoughts on this "in-between" time, and what it takes to make it through!!!!

Here's a parting visual for you:

Making it safely through to the end of the in-between