Facing our Everest

A few years ago, one of my very best friends climbed to base camp Mt. Everest (Yes, she's amazing, I know!  I couldn't even.  Ever.)  It was through watching her experience that I came up with the phrase, "We each have our own Everest to climb."  Now, before we read that and think, "Oh, that's a cutsie little saying.", let's get a better understanding of what it means to climb Mt. Everest.

Everest's peak is 29,035 feet in altitude.  Now, that number is fairly incomprehensible to me, so let me put it in perspective.  The tallest building in the U.S. is the One World Trade Center, which registers at.... wait for it... a whopping 1,776 feet. Wait - what?  The tallest building in the U.S. would have to be stacked 16 times to be as tall as Mt. Everest!  How's that for perspective?!

Here are a few more MIND BLOWING facts about Everest... On Everest:

• The wind can blow over 200 mph.
• The temperature can be -80F (And you think Texas winter is cold!  Ha!).
• There is 66% less oxygen in each breath on the summit of Everest than at sea level.
• Almost all climbers use bottled oxygen because it is so high. 
• Climbers burn over 10,000 calories each day, double that on the summit climb (What?!!).
• Climbers will lose 10 to 20 lbs during the expedition (Oh, I like this one!).
• It typically takes 40 days to climb. 
• And finally, 249 people HAVE DIED trying to climb Mt. Everest since the first expedition in 1922.

So, when I say, "We each have our own Everest to climb.", do you now understand the intensity of that statement I was trying to convey?  This statement is meant to be a statement of validation for the terrifying, grueling, all-consuming work it takes to climb back from the pain, loss, trauma, and confusion of being in relationship (current or past) with a SA.

One of the things I love about this statement is that it is inclusive - I've said, many times, that the "face" that I have to climb might be different than yours, but either way, it's EVEREST!!!!  Then I read there's around 18 different routes to the summit.  PERFECT!  We are a sisterhood - there's no need to compare our stories - figuring out who "has it worst" or who "has it best".  There is no best (that's for darn sure).  Climbing Everest is a (potentially) life-threatening endeavor.  We all have an extremely difficult and scary climb.  Each one of us.

So, other than finding validation from this statement, what else can we learn from this analogy?  (You know I love my analogies!)  How do we "face our personal Everest"?

1. Understand the dangers.  Climbing Everest isn't something a person does on a whim; neither should trying to decide whether or not to stay in relationship with a SA.  Try to find understanding about what SA is, and what your Everest will entail.
2. Have a route, and a back-up route, planned.  Knowing what your goal is, and how to get there is an important piece to having clarity in what can be a confusing situation.  Sometimes we are on our planned route and an "avalanche" occurs.  Having a secondary route already in mind can mean the difference between being able to press on to reach your goal and seeing no other option than turning around.
3. Have an "escape" plan.  If it becomes apparent that things are becoming too dangerous, make sure you have an escape plan already thought through.  Knowledge is power, and if you know what to do if/when the time comes to "escape" the dangers, you will feel more empowered and less a victim.
4. Be mindful of your surroundings.  On Everest, staying aware of the weather, the consistency of the snow/ice beneath your feet, and even your own health (altitude sickness) can mean the difference between life and death.  Similarly, we need to stay aware of our surroundings.  Pay attention to our intuition, our SA's recovery and emotional/mental/physical health, and, most importantly, our own emotional/mental/physical health.  Paying attention to these things can help us avoid "deadly" situations in our lives.
5. Take your time.  In our society, where we can watch years of a life unfold, and a couple fall in love, encounter difficulty, and find their happy ending in 2.5 hours or less (movies), it's easy to fall into the trap of rushing into our "happy ending".  In each phase of an Everest trip - from the planning, to the training, to the ascent, to the decent - all phases take time, and careful thought.  Again, rushing through any one of these phases could mean your life - or the life of someone in your climbing party.  We need to take our time, and give careful thought to the different phases of our healing/recovery, and that of our SA.
6. Never climb alone.  And speaking of your "climbing party", it's the exception, not the rule, where someone would even try to climb Everest alone - let alone be successful or even make it back alive.  In the addiction world (this includes the loved ones of the addict), isolation = death.  I'm not exaggerating.  Maybe not physical death, but death to sobriety, recovery, good mental and emotional health.  You must have people you trust with your life joining you, supporting you, and watching out for you.  If you don't have safe family or friends, find a S-Anon group or a group like PULSE.  Don't try to climb your Everest alone.
7. Lastly, consider hiring a guide.  Sherpas dedicate their life to understanding Everest - the routes, the weather, the dangers, the warning signs; they know the tools that are needed to make the climb, and they know the right pace to set.  Likewise, an experienced/qualified therapist (or other helping professional) can help you understand the dangers, recognize the signs, help you plan healthy routes and escape plans, and help you set a healthy pace for your healing/recovery.  They can warn you when you're going too fast, or headed into a storm.  They CAN be the difference between making it to the summit, or surviving a life-threatening storm.

Facing our Everest can be so overwhelming that we can just shut down.  Take courage, my sisters.  YOU can do it!  

How about you?  What is YOUR Everest?  How are you tackling it?  What have you found that has helped you through?  What has been a part of your route?  Who is on your climbing team?

As always, if you don't have a safe place to process these things, email me at sarah@therapyworksaustin.org, or visit our website at PULSEAustin.org.

Til next time, ladies - take care of yourself!