"All I Want for Christmas..."

Big sigh.

I'm feeling a bit of writer's block.  I think it's because I'm in a bit of a quandary about what to write with Christmas just two days away.  I don't want to be a "Grinch" - always talking about the difficult aspects of being or having been the partner of a SA.  I know there are SA's out there, living in a solid, sustained recovery; their partners are healing, and the relationship mending.  However, the majority of the women I know are struggling.  And it would feel superficial to ignore the pain and loss these women feel during the holidays.  And yet, I hear the cries of the women out there who want to know there's hope.

So, since I can't "please all the people all the time", what is on my heart this Christmas Eve's Eve?  

Validation.  Permission. Freedom.  If I could leave all the women I've come to know these past few years gifts "under their tree", these would be the things I would give.

Validation:  Whether you are brand new to this roller-coaster ride of being the partner of a SA, or been on this journey for years; whether you and your SA are well on your way to recovery and healing, or his recovery is shaky and you are feeling very broken and fragile; whether you are still in relationship with your SA, have ended the relationship with your SA, or can't figure out what the h-e-double-toothpicks you want to do about the relationship... Your thoughts, your feelings, your confusion, your indecisiveness - OR, on the flip-side - your confidence, your hope, your love - wherever you are at, is VALID.  My earnest desire is that you could use this gift of being able to put aside the "shoulds" and just feel the peace of simply being you.

Permission: This is NOT about ME giving you permission for anything.  This is about you being empowered to give YOURSELF permission: Permission to engage OR detach; permission to speak up and make your needs and desires known; permission to take the time to practice self-care (this is NOT selfish, to put yourself and your needs first sometimes); permission to take "time-outs" from family gatherings (if needed) and re-group; and permission to  "live in the moment".

Which leads me to Freedom: Oh, sisters, how I desire that you would be able to receive freedom this Christmas season.  Freedom from the past; freedom from the memories; freedom from the pain...even if it's just moments of freedom from these things.  Freedom to not feel like everything is tainted.  Freedom from feeling damaged.  Freedom to live in the moment, especially for those of us who have kids or grand-kids - freedom to get caught up in the magic and wonder that sparkles in their eyes.  Tiny moments where you're completely free!

You know, as I sit here and I think of what I would want "under my tree", the thought came to me that some of the things I wish for are not really attainable in this life. Like certainty.  THAT would be the best present EVER!!!!!  Which then led me to the first part of "The Serenity Prayer": 

"God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."

Here's the thing.  As embarrassed as I am to admit to how selfish and materialistic I was as a child, I remember Christmases past where I CRIED because I didn't get the present I wanted. Here I had people who loved me, sacrificing their hard-earned money - investing time, energy, and thought into wonderful gifts.  And I wasn't thankful for what I was being given, because it wasn't what I most wanted.  

I don't want to be like that when it comes to how I view the gifts that ARE there for me.  I don't want to focus on the gifts I want, but don't/can't have.  So, like the Serenity Prayer...

May we be women who have eyes to see and hearts able to receive the gifts that ARE waiting for us; may we cherish them, and use them; and may we share them with others.

What are the gifts you would want to give this Christmas season?  What gifts would you ask for for yourself?  How can you "use" your gifts?  How can you share them?

Here's to validation, permission, and moments of freedom for you this Christmas season.  If I got what I wanted for Christmas this year, you truly would have these things "under your tree."