Would You Rather?

On a typical weekday morning, I have a 30 minute commute from my daughter's school to my work. I'm still trying to get used to living in a BIG city and commuting to work - not to mention Texas drivers!  So in between my asking the random reckless driver, "Are you kidding me?", and the friendly hand-wave that means "thank-you-for-letting-me-merge" that I give, I often find myself thinking about things I usually don't have the time or energy to think about.  That was the case this morning.  I found myself reflecting on the current place I find myself in, and was somehow reminded of that game, "Would You Rather...?".

Do you know that game, "Would You Rather...?"?  I never liked that game.  Maybe it's because I'm often too literal.  And, well, you know - choosing between being born with a nose like an elephant or a neck like a giraffe just isn't going to happen in real life, so why should I even bother figuring out which one I'd "rather" have happen to me?  Ha ha ha!  I laugh at myself!  Or better yet - choosing between eating a handful of hair or licking three public telephones is beyond my comprehension of actually being able to endure, so there's no way I could "commit" to choosing one over the other.  NEITHER, thank you very much!

So the irony does not escape me that I sometimes feel like my life is one big, "Would You Rather?".

"Would I rather leave my marriage and "give up" on the idea that this situation is redeemable, OR stay in my marriage, and deal with trust issues and fear for who knows how long?"

Uh, wait a second... can I go back to the hair/telephone question?  I think trying to figure out that scenario is preferable to having to figure out the leave/stay one!

"Would I rather risk staying in a relationship with an incredible man who also happens to be a recovering SA, and have to deal with a potential relapse at some point, OR risk ending the relationship and miss out on what could be an amazing relationship with said incredible man, if he stays free/sober?"

Um, I'll take the telephone.  Yep.  It's decided.  "They" didn't specify HOW LONG I had to lick the telephone, so here's what I'll do: one millisecond of a lick, and then I'll gargle with Listerine for the rest of the day and take medicine to boost my immune system.  Okay, done.  I was able to figure that one out.  Can I have a pass from these other ones?

Please?

Sigh.  If only my "Would you rathers?" were as clear cut as "would I'd rather go without music or T.V. the rest of my life."  (I could NOT live without music, by the way.  Music is one of those few precious things that can take me - almost instantly - to another place.). But they're not.  There's no easy answer to these questions.  So, I wrestle with them. Sometimes, when it's just too much, I stuff them.  I talk to others about them - SOMETIMES, I even ask for their input!  On my good days, I journal and pray about them. On my REALLY good days, I think I find the answers to them.

Whether we like it or not, due to the SA in our life, we're now forced to play, "Would You Rather...?"  I've been a bit transparent today, sharing a couple of my big questions.  What are your "Would You Rathers...?" that you struggle with?  What do you do with them when they pop up?

I encourage you to talk with someone about these things, cause there's one thing I know I'd rather - and that's to not go through this alone.

So, if you're local, come join us at PULSE.  If you're not local - find a safe place where you can go through this journey with others who are on a similar journey.  If you can't find that - contact me, and I'll help you find some help.