Better yet! How many times did I watch "The Princess Bride," where TRUE LOVE conquers all - even death! (Well, mostly dead. As we all know, mostly dead means slightly alive, right?) "Death can not stop true love. All it can do is delay it for awhile." Buttercup's true love never stopped fighting for her. How my heart welled up within me as I waited to find my "Wesley" and hear him say, "As you wish."!
Fast forward to the present. How the @#%*! did we end up here? This is not the fantasy we envisioned! Our Wesleys (or Prince Charmings) ended up more like the Prince Charming from the Shrek movies than the one we had envisioned! (Yes, I am having too much fun with this post and pictures!) The "happily ever after" we dreamed of turned into "A Nightmare on _______ Street." And TRUE LOVE? Well, we learned that true love doesn't necessarily conquer all.
Or does it?
Is there still a scenario for us where it's possible to have the "happily ever after?" Is there a way that true love can be the driving force for forgiveness, freedom and healing? Or am I a fool, setting myself up for more pain by believing that "our story will be one of the great ones?" When and how can I determine if what I'm living in is a state of genuine hope for these things, or in fantasy-land?
Because I don't know about you, but I have no desire to stay stuck in fantasy land!
So, I bring it back again, for part three, to the statement that Hope is based on "facts and promises." I think there IS a way to determine if we're living in a fantasy, OR if there is reason to have hope for the relationship (there's always hope for us to heal - even if the relationship doesn't). I've already suggested that maybe we need to adjust our perspective of what hope is - I say we can also adjust our idea of what "happily ever after" may look like for us. If we are going to differentiate between fantasy and genuine hope, we need to begin by embracing our reality.
Part of us embracing our reality, and adjusting our idea of "happily ever after", is to recognize OUR responsibility in making sure we do not continue to live in fantasy-land. We take a long, hard look at who we are in relationship with, where they're at in recovery (see last week's blog on recovery timeline), and WHAT THEY'RE DOING IN RECOVERY.
This is where a check-in is a valuable tool. Part of adjusting my idea for my "happily ever after" was for me to embrace the fact that recovery ISN'T a phase of life - it's a LIFESTYLE. One that I will have to commit to work out with my partner for the rest of our lives. And part of that lifestyle is transparency and honesty. And a BIG part of that is our check-ins. That is the time when I am allowed, by my partner, to "gather information" as he shares with me what he's doing to actively continue to pursue a life marked by sobriety, health, and freedom. He includes me in his recovery by sharing with me how he's dealt with his emotionally risky states/triggers, as well as what recovery activities he's participated in. As he shares this information, I can be informed of how he's working his recovery - I can actually SEE what he did/does to change from his old, addictive mind-set way of doing things, to his new, "sober" minded way of doing things.
But what can I expect would be a part of these check-ins? Well, I'm glad you asked! Last week, I gave you the resource of Dr. Milton Magness, and his recovery timeline. Today I'm going to give a list of "recovery activities", again taken from "the experts". These recovery activities are examples of what SA's who are SERIOUS about their recovery would be expected to be doing by their specialist.
According to Dr. Patrick Carnes, people who "had the greatest success (in recovery) took the same steps in a relatively predictable fashion. Sobriety was but one part of their life changes. They all had made a deeper commitment to making their lives better.... Here is the general profile of those who succeed in recovery:
- They had a primary therapist.
- They were in a therapy group.
- They went regularly to 12 step meetings.
- If other addictions were present, they were addressed as well.
- They worked to find clarity and resolution in their family-of-origin and childhood issues.
- Their families were involved early in therapy.
- If they were in a primary relationship, the couple went to a 12 step couples group such as Recovering Couples Anonymous.
- They developed a spiritual life.
- They actively worked to maintain regular exercise and good nutrition."
(From "Facing the Shadow, page 302)
These are the kinds of activities our SA could (should?) be telling us they are doing in their recovery during their check in (If you don't do a check-in, you can still observe if your SA is doing most, if not all, of these things). So we look at this list, and ask ourselves - Is my SA demonstrating a deep commitment to not only their sobriety, but making their lives better? If yes, then I say there's reason to have genuine hope (NOT a guarantee, mind you - hope). IF not, and we are sitting around waiting for something miraculous to happen that will suddenly change everything, we may need to consider whether or not we are living in fantasy-land. IF we want to be free of living in fantasy-land, we MUST ask ourselves the difficult questions - How is his addiction going to change if he's not doing any of the work? How will things be different in 5 years if he's only half-assing it - doing just enough to appease me?
If we're looking for promises to base our hope on - what about this as a promise - that our SA is relentless in his pursuit of freedom from his addiction; he's not merely interested in the minimal amount of work he "has" to do, but is voracious is learning and doing all he can? What if it wasn't simply about abstaining from acting out - but a drive to be free of the broken places and twisted desires that lead to acting out in the first place?
These are SOME of the facts and promises that we can base our hope on, and decipher if it's genuine hope, or fantasy. This is not an "end-all be-all" answer to the question of "should I stay or should I go? I'd love to have your feedback -
Do you have any suggestions to add to this list? What else can we look for when we're looking for facts or promises to base our hope on? How else can we avoid fantasy? Or, WHY do you think we should want to avoid fantasy-land? I'd also love your questions. If you don't feel comfortable posting your question(s) here, you can always email me at: sarah@therapyworksaustin.org. You can also email me to ask for more resources on this topic. I've got plenty more lists!
To wrap up this three-part blog, I end with where it all began:"Hope is a confident expectation of future blessing based on facts and promises".
Because even if I need to adjust my idea of what "happily ever after" may look like - I can do that. I'd rather embrace my reality and experience genuine hope than cling to a fantasy. What about you?
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