"Hope is a confident expectation of future blessing based on facts and promises".
Now let me tell you why this hit me as MORE than just an interesting thought. I knew that tonight (Monday, Oct. 7th), we would be discussing in our on-going support group what it looks like for our partner to be in recovery. This definition expressed so perfectly what I believe is necessary for partners of sex addicts to have in order to have hope.
You see, I liken staying in a relationship with a sexual addict to gambling with your life. We are like women standing at the edge of a rushing river, and there are two bridges to choose from. One is rickety. Old. Untrustworthy and Unsafe. The other is well built. Solid. Steady and Safe.
When we are trying to decide whether or not to stay in the relationship, it's like trying to choose which bridge to take. The problem is, in the past (and potentially our present), our partner has distorted our reality - through their betrayal and lies, they told us the relationship we had was safe and strong - trustworthy. All the while the relationship WAS NOT safe OR he trustworthy. What we thought was the solid bridge ended up being the old, rickety one. And here we are, AGAIN, looking at the choice(s) in front of us, knowing the risks, and desperately wanting to know if the bridge that APPEARS to be the strong, sturdy one REALLY IS the trustworthy bridge we see in front of us.
And so we are forced to gamble. Is he really in recovery? Will he be able to sustain his sobriety? Can I trust him? Can I trust what he is saying?
We want so badly to believe that the hope we have for a relationship with this person we love - free of their addiction; free of the lies and manipulation -is not going to lead us down the rickety bridge. But how can we be sure?
That's where I come back to the part of that saying where it says that hope is "based on facts". So often, in our attempt to "focus on ourselves" and "work our recovery"(both good things), we go into this extreme belief that it's not right or okay for us to even be aware of our partner's recovery.
FOUL! I call foul on that belief! Facts! We NEED facts to base our hope on. If we are expected to gamble with our lives, and stay in relationship with our recovering partner, we must have facts and (fulfilled) promises to give us the confidence we need to expect future blessing.
The questions are: What are these facts we can look for when we are in relationship with a (hopefully) recovering sex addict? What is the difference between "controlling" our partner's recovery and BEING INFORMED of our partner's recovery?
We will discuss all this, and probably more, tonight in our group. I can't wait to be a part of the discussion. Join me next week as I continue this topic, and bring in some feedback from our group tonight. I invite you to leave me feedback here!
Until then, I leave you with this parting thought and image. Life without hope is no life at all. Sometimes we just need to adjust our perspective of what Hope is, and what it takes to have it. It is possible. And when we have it, it's beautiful.
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