A Partner's Pespective on Hope - Part 2

Last week I introduced the topic of hope, based on a "definition" I found in something I was reading.  I talked about life with a sex addict being like gambling with our life and used an analogy of two bridges - a rickety one and a safe one.  The fears we have about our relationship are often tied to the uncertainties we have regarding our partner's recovery.  Are we going to be led down the rickety bridge again?  How can we be sure?  IF we are being asked to place our hope in our partner and their recovery (gambling with our lives), then we need facts to base our hopes upon.

Last week, I said that "in our attempt to 'focus on ourselves' and 'work our recovery' (both good things), we can go into this extreme belief that it's not right or okay for us to even be aware of our partner's recovery."

This week, I go one step further and say that it's not just our right to be informed about our partner's recovery, it's our responsibility.  Yes, I said it - our responsibility.  But what does that look like?  What are these facts?  What is the difference between "controlling" our partner's recovery and BEING INFORMED of our partner's recovery?

Let's first take a look at this word, "responsible", and the difference between controlling our partner's recovery and being informed of our partner's recovery.  My friends at dictionary.com say that responsibility is: "the state or fact of being responsible, answerable, or accountable for something within one's power, control, or management."  Now let me be clear - we are NOT responsible for our partner's recovery.  We didn't cause the issue, we can't control it, and we can't cure it!  I have enough to handle just focusing on my own stuff.  No thanks!  I have NO desire to dictate to my partner what he should be doing in his recovery; what books he should be reading, what groups he should be going to, what therapist he should be seeing, or how he should be behaving.  I'm no puppeteer.

BUT - and this is a BIG BUT (I can hear my 12 and 9 year old children giggling) - we MUST be informed and stay informed of our partner's recovery IF we stay in relationship with them.  One of my favorite analogies of an exclusive, committed relationship is that of being allies.  (There's actually a book titled, "Intimate Allies").  That is what our relationships are MEANT to be like.  You and your partner against the world - NOT against each other.  Yet, if we take this analogy, and apply it to our situation - who in their right mind would go into battle with an ally that has lied to you and betrayed you?  When the time came, we wouldn't know if we could trust whether or not they'd fight with us, or end up shooting us in the back!  It would be our responsibility to gather Intel to support our decision to ever go into battle again with this ally again!

I propose that the first step in being informed about our partner's recovery is to understand what recovery looks like - according to the "experts".   I find it VITAL to understand just what we are "getting into", or "staying on board" for.  How much work is this going to take?  How LONG is this going to take?  How can I tell where my partner is at in his recovery?

So, as promised, here are a few things/sources to go to, to find some "facts":

One FANTASTIC resource is Dr. Milton Magness.  Among the many things you can find on his website is a list describing the stages of the "recovery timeline" (for the addict).  Here's the list of the names of the stages, and the AVERAGE time it takes to go through each stage (for a more detailed description of the stages, go the "getting help" tab, and then click on "recovery timeline"):

• Survival Phase: This phase begins when recovery begins and lasts from 6 months to 1 year or more.
• Stability Phase: Begins from 6 months to 2 years into recovery and lasts for 1 year or more.
• Sustaining Phase: Begins from 1 1/2 to 3 years into recovery and lasts for 1 year or more.
• Maintenance/Freedom Phase: People in this phase have been in recovery for 2 1/2 years or more.  This phase is the ultimate phase one aspires to in recovery.  

As you can see, there is a phrase he uses for every single phase - "or more".  This is because each person is unique, and therefore, their recovery is unique.  The way I see this as helpful to us, as partners of sex addicts, is to use this as a means to "gather Intel" - to use it as a guide to gauge where our partner is at, and if they seem "stuck", or unable to get past a certain phase. So, for example, if our partner has been saying he's "in recovery" for the past 5 years, but hasn't gotten out of survival phase, it might be time to start asking ourselves, and him, if his recovery is real.  It's not to take it to him and inform him of where he's at, and tell him what he needs to do to get to the next phase.  That's where we step into controlling, verses being informed.

Going back to the bridge analogy I used last week - we use this information to "test the bridge" and see if it's trustworthy.  Recovery that is stuck for years in survival phase is weak, at best, if not about to fall apart.

Unless we want to end up on the battlefield with an ally we're not sure isn't going to turn on us, we MUST recognize the responsibility we have to ourselves to be aware of our partner's recovery, and asses if it's "safe" for us to consider them as an ally.  IF their recovery is not looking at least stable, we may want to begin to reconsider whether or not it's safe for us to align ourselves with them if things don't change.

This all began with the statement,  "Hope is a confident expectation of future blessing based on facts and promises".  We are in the middle of discussing what it looks like to find those facts we need to base our hope upon.  Join me next week as we dive even deeper into what kind of facts we can look for to "gather Intel" and sustain our hope (or, to help us realize our hope is misguided, and we need to focus our hope on something else!).

Until then, I again leave you with the same parting thought.  Life without hope is no life at all.  Sometimes we just need to adjust our perspective of what Hope is, and what it takes to have it.  It is possible.  And when we have it, it's beautiful.